Why Battered Women Stay

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Cony, M.A.

One of the questions we receive most frequently is “Why do battered women stay?”  The answer is that battered women stay for many different reasons, including some of the following:

FEAR

• Fear of losing belongings, social status, or her children.

• Fear of more severe/lethal abuse by the batterer if she reports him.

• Fear of violence toward her spouse by her family members.

• Fear of the unknown (“What will happen to me/my kids if I leave?”)

LEARNED

• Some women have been kept dependent by fathers and husbands.

HELPLESSNESS

• They begin to feel they are unable to do things for themselves.

• They have learned to be passive, and have been beaten into obedience.

THE CHILDREN

• Some women do not want to disrupt children’s lives.

• Others fear they cannot provide adequately for their children if they are on their own.

BELIEF IN TRADITIONAL SEX ROLES

• Some women are brought up to believe in traditional sex roles such as, “The man is the boss of the house,” or “The man will ‘do’ and you will obey.” Women are also taught that “Good girls don’t make trouble,” and that “Good wives are supposed to be able to make the marriage work.”      

LOW SELF-ESTEEM

• Some women feel they don’t deserve love or that they deserve to be beaten.  Others feel they must “earn” love.  Some women confuse need with love.  Others may believe that “he is the best I can do,” or that “I’ve never had it so good (economically).”  Some women need to preserve the illusion of being cared about, no matter how little affection they actually receive.

RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

• Other women hold to strong religious prohibitions against divorce. They believe that marriage means going through everything together “for better or worse...” To leave the marriage would mean they had broken their solemn vows to God or that they had “failed.”

ABUSED AS A CHILD

• Frequently, violence is what the woman grew up with.  She learned that “women get hit” and that “men have the right to beat them.”

ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE

• Some women have been kept economically dependent on their mates. They have no money of their own and must account for every cent they’re given.

HOSTAGE PSYCHOLOGY

• Like other hostages (concentration camp survivors, prisoners of war, etc.) battered women adopt a “hostage” mentality.  Under siege, they “bond” with their captors and convert to their abuser’s way of thinking in an attempt to survive.  Other common responses to life-threatening abuse include feelings of powerlessness, a reduced capacity for problem solving, and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness.  These symptoms of post traumatic stress syndrome make it difficult for the woman to leave.

Women also stay in abusive relationships because they learn culturally promoted beliefs, such as the following, which help to foster abuse:

¨      The woman should make her man’s needs and wishes more important than her own. (i.e., women are taught to sacrifice themselves for the relationship’s sake.)

¨      There has to be give and take in a relationship...and the woman has to do more of the giving.

¨      If you love somebody, you love him or her in spite of their problems. (i.e., some women deny that the situation is as dangerous and as deteriorated as it is.)

¨      You have to take the good with the bad...no man is perfect. (Battering is often mixed with good times, and the happy times encourage her to stay with her mate.)

¨      A woman is nothing without a man.

¨      Just focus on the good stuff that he gives you.

¨      Maybe you have to understand that he can’t control his bad points.

¨      Maybe you’re asking too much of your man (or marriage).

¨      It is a woman’s nature to enjoy and encourage physical domination by an aggressive man.

¨      It is important for a woman, no matter how severely she has been beaten, to see the potential good in her man...when he’s sober…when he isn’t pressured...before his sister died...if she is not worrying him.

¨      It is the woman’s role to make relationships with men successful; therefore, you must protect your man, cover up the violence, and present a successful picture to the world or you have failed in your job.

¨      He’s your husband; there’s nothing you can do. You just have to learn how to take these things in stride. (i.e., The woman may not receive any support from her family, friends, neighbors, police, clergy, etc.)

¨      There is so little difference between men, you might as well stay with the first one you picked.  Or, You’ve made your bed, now you must lie in it.

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