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What Can I Do To Help My Mate?
From “Understanding Domestic
Violence” by Barbara Corry, MA.
We recommend the following
steps to help your mate, as suggested by Gondolf (1989; 80-88):
TAKE A TOUGH,
NO-VIOLENCE STANCE IN THE RELATIONSHIP
Do not tolerate any
physical abuse, and do not ignore verbal abuse. Remember that domestic
violence is a pattern, which gets worse over time. Therefore, the sooner you
take a firm, “no violence” stance the better. Waiting and hoping that the
violence will end can be dangerous, and it may be deadly; early action helps
him - and you - by not allowing the violence to become serious and be
preventing a pattern from developing.
If a pattern of violence
has begun, you must send a clear message that such behavior is unacceptable.
Your demands to end the violence must be non-negotiable. He must be
convinced that you are serious when you say that his violence will not be
tolerated.
LET HIM SUFFER
THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS
The more consequences he
feels as a result of his abuse, the better. Therefore, let friends, family,
and social service agencies know. Breaking the silence restores a balance of
power to the relationship. In addition, telling others helps to break the
isolation which characterizes domestic violence. If a mate gets away with
physical or emotional abuse, he has no reason to stop hurting you. If other
people know that abuse is occurring, they can support your efforts to secure
change. They can protect you, invoke consequences, and provide strong
motivation for the man to begin the process of ending the violence.
IF THE ABUSE
PERSISTS, LEAVE YOUR ABUSER
The most helpful thing a
battered woman may do for a violent man is to leave him. Men change through
grief and pain, and they are more likely to change when they are faced with
a crisis which threatens their future. Leaving the relationship provides an
incentive for the man to examine his behavior and it confronts him with the
need to change.
REMEMBER THAT
CHANGE IS A LONG TERM PROCESS
Real change is not a smooth
process; there will be many slips and starts along the way. Don’t expect too
much too soon. Also, keep in mind that the slips which accompany real change
can make it difficult to tell whether a genuine change is occurring.
Remember, too, that change means that your mate must become committed to a
new set of beliefs and actions. Abuse has been a large part of his life and
it won’t suddenly go away. Your partner must learn to think about what he is
going to do each day to be different and to stay different. He must change
the way he thinks, and how he treats other people. This kind of change is no
small undertaking; and, it usually requires a strong incentive. Your
insistence on non-violence is critical to providing that incentive.
 
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