Teen Dating Violence

All it takes to be in a battering relationship is to be involved with someone who is willing to use violence. It is estimated that almost a third of teenagers experience violence or abuse in a dating relationship. As with marital violence, the occurrence of teenage dating violence has been documented in large cities, small farming communities, wealthy neighborhoods, and housing projects, in every culture and ethnic group. It happens to teens who have babies and to those who do not. It happens to teens who live together, and to those who live with their parents.

It is serious. The stories of abuse that some teen victims have to tell are every bit as extreme as adult victims. The potential for murder is present in every violent relationship. Even an abusive person who does not intend to kill their partner can accidentally kill them with hard shoves or threats with a weapon.

Dating violence goes both ways, but it is most common for the victim to be female and the violent partner to be male. Girls who victimize their boyfriends are more likely to be emotionally or verbally abusive, while boys are more likely to use threats or actual physical violence. Girls are less likely to inflict severe injuries.

Emotional abuse can be very confusing - especially because it is not always done in anger. It is often done in the guise of love. “We have each other; we don’t need anyone else.” “Your friends and parents are trying to keep us apart, no one else understands us and what we have together.” “I am only telling you that you dress like a whore because I love you.” “It’s a good thing you have me to love you, because you’re so stupid no one else would want you.”

Many high school and college students say that jealousy is the major cause of dating violence. Although jealousy is a normal feeling, expressing it or dealing with it by being possessive is abusive. Abusive partners may make statements such as; “I love you so much I want you all to myself.” “It’s not that I don’t trust you baby, it’s just that I know how guys are, and I have to protect you.” At first this type of attention may seem flattering, but soon feels confining. Interrogations, checking upon their partner, following or having friends follow their partner, calling many times each day, going through their things obsessively looking for clues of infidelity are all forms of emotional abuse. As with adult domestic violence, abusers often become more abusive when they think the relationship is going to end, or after their girlfriend or boyfriend breaks up with them. Threats to commit suicide in an attempt to convince their partner to stay are very common among teenage perpetrators of domestic violence.

Physical abuse is rarely a one-time occurrence, but rather part of a pattern in an abusive relationship. Physical abuse generally escalates becoming more severe over time. Even if it doesn’t occur frequently, the abuser may use frequent threats of violence after it has happened once. Surveys of students in high schools and colleges all over the United States have led researchers to estimate that 28% of the students experienced physical violence in a dating relationship (D. Sugarman and G. Hotaling 1991).

Sexual abuse is perhaps the most difficult aspect of battering for teens to reveal and to understand, so it is often ignored or overlooked. Girls may be told lies about what is “normal” sex, or what “guys need”, or how girls are supposed to act in bed. Some victims have been forced to have sex without protection.

Many teens report that the abuse in their relationships started with forced sex. Studies on date rape indicate that 67% of young women reporting rape were assaulted in a dating situation (S. Ageton 1983).

Studies have shown that teens in abusive relationships rarely seek help from adults about this problem. Among a sample of high school students, only 22% told anyone about their victimization (Bergman 1992). During adolescence, teen’s relationships with their parents change. As they gain more independence, they may be afraid of parental interference undermining their new freedoms. They may be reluctant to confide their abusive situation, expecting parents to be critical, punitive, and restrictive. Some teens may want to protect their parents, not wanting to cause them worry. Others simply feel they can handle the situation on their own.

Teens are inexperienced in relationships; therefore they may have difficulty managing the complex feelings, decisions, and conflicts that arise. Teens tend to romanticize love and relationships, perhaps believing that “love conquers all”, and often interpret jealousy, possessiveness, and abuse as signs of love. Especially if it is their first relationship, not having had any other dating experiences to compare it with, they may conclude that’s the way relationships are. Other factors that complicate matters are the perceived pressures to have a mate, and the fact that teens tend to be risk takers believing they are invincible.

In our society teenagers can learn mistaken ideas about what is normal in a relationship from what they see in movies, on television and in advertising. They see women treated badly, then they see that many people think violence is not serious. They may see adults they know using violence to show they have power. So they assume that maintaining power with violence is normal. Worst of all they may learn that it is okay to hurt people that you love in order to express your feelings and deal with your problems.

Our teenagers, by virtue of their stage of development, may have a fragile sense of self-esteem; imagine the added effects of family violence...and living in fear. A lowered self-esteem makes them more vulnerable to abuse in the future, especially if they believe they deserve such treatment. It is not uncommon for teen victims of family violence to leave home the first chance they get, even if it means putting themselves in other dangerous situations. How many of our runaways are refugees from violent homes?

Whether children have already been affected by violence or not, it is important to help them relate to people in non-violent ways. They can be taught assertive ways to communicate and solve problems without inappropriate aggression or passivity. Not only do we need to talk with teens about guarding against violence, but we must also model healthy relationship skills.

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