Skills for Better Communication: Talking More Directly

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Cony, M.A.

The following skills may be used to convey vital information to your mate so as to have the best chance of being understood. These skills can also provide a better flow of communication and minimize the possibility of defensive reactions from your partner:

BE CURRENT

Talk about what’s happening now, do not dwell upon the past.

BE CONCISE

Say what you have to say briefly and then do not repeat or ramble.

BE FAIR

Speak one at a time, and allow equal time. Show personal respect for your partner.

BE SPECIFIC

Describe exactly what is happening. Do not generalize (e.g., “you always...,” or “you never...’ Just describe the behavior that is affecting you, don’t blame. And give your reasons.

BE POSITIVE

Ask for what you want. Don’t complain about what you don’t get.

BE OPEN AND HONEST

Say what’s on your mind, rather than expecting your partner to guess. Be honest with yourself and with your mate. There is no denying the facts.

BE ADULT

Use straightforward voice, words, and body language. Do not scold, whine, or use other manipulative tactics. Admit to your part in the problem.

BE SENSITIVE

Present your concerns as your own. Do not attack sensitive spots. No opening old wounds, no dredging up the past.

BE FLEXIBLE

Present your needs and respond to the needs of your partner. Switch from talking to listening any time your partner reacts defensively.

CONSTRUCT “I” MESSAGES

First, describe the behavior that is affecting you. Second, state the feeling that your mate’s behavior produces for you. Third, state the consequences of that behavior. For example:

1. When you... (take long phone calls during dinner)

2. I feel... (angry/hurt/scared)

3. Because... (I start to think you don’t want to talk to me, or

I start to think that you are avoiding me, or

I start to think that you don’t care about me/my feelings, or

I start to think that phone call is more important to you than I am when our time together is limited.)

1. When you... (Don’t come home and don’t call)

2. I feel... (scared)

3. Because... (I’m afraid something has happened to you, or

I feel hurt because you know I appreciate getting a call if you are going to be delayed and you did not show me that courtesy, or

I feel that you did not take my feelings into consideration.)

AVOID UNFAIR BEHAVIOR

No name-calling or other demeaning comments. No going off on tangents. No intimidation or threats of violence. No saving up all the gripes to dump all at once. No using sex as a leverage. No gloating over a “victory”. No “ignoring” the other.

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