(CCI) Statements: Out of Powerlessness and Into Personal Power

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Cony, M.A.

“I” statements are an excellent way to assert your personal power. “I” statements don’t blame or accuse; they are not cruel or abusive. “I” statements let you express your feelings, and they let the other person know who you are. They are effective because they give you a voice and they permit you to be true to yourself. Even if your partner is not ready, willing or able to hear you, “I” statements help you to combat a feeling of powerlessness. The following statements are some examples of assertive language:

• It scares me when you yell at me. Then I close down and it shuts off any chance of communication between us.

• I feel frightened when you throw things. I wonder if you might not turn on me next. That kind of fear undermines our relationship and damages my feelings for you.

• I don’t know how to deal with you or how to respond when you come home and start storming around. 1 don’t think you realize how afraid it makes me when you kick at the door, slam the refrigerator, and knock my things over.

• I know you have important things to say, and I want you to have a chance to say them but I also need a chance to tell you what is important to me.

• I feel humiliated when you call me names and put me down. Then I get defensive and we end up fighting.

• It feels terribly unfair when you tell me it’s my fault that you slap, kick, and punch.

• It hurts me when you criticize everything I do - my cooking, my cleaning, my sewing, how I dress, do my make-up, etc. It erodes my love a little bit each time you do this.

• Hitting me is unacceptable, and I will not let you physically abuse me any more.

• I will not stay present for your verbal abuse. Either show me the same courtesy you would show to another adult, or talk to me later on when you have calmed down.

• I feel trapped when you monitor my activities. I don’t like feeling controlled and it feels like you don’t trust me one bit. We need to find a way to work this out.

• You may not kick me, choke me, and throw things at me anymore. I deserve as much respect as any other human beings and I will no longer be available if you choose to continue those behaviors.

• I don’t like it when you make fun of my family or friends. It hurts my feelings and makes me feel like dirt.

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