Non-Violent Relationships

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Cony, MA.

In this section, we provide you with some helpful hints for building healthy relationships. On the next two pages, you will find a description of mature, non-violent relationships. You may wish to use this information for comparison or for goal setting.

Non-violent relationships have the following characteristics:

NON-THREATENING

Non-violent relationships involve talking and acting so that my partner feels comfortable expressing him/herself and doing things s/he is interested in.

RESPECT

Non-violent relationships involve listening to my partner non-judgmentally, being emotionally supportive, and valuing his or her opinions.

TRUST AND SUPPORT

Non-violent relationships involve supporting my partner’s goals in life, and  respecting my mate’s right to his or her own feelings, friends, and activities as opposed to jealousy and possessiveness.

HONESTY AND ACCOUNTABILITY

Non-violent relationships involve accepting responsibility for my behavior, including past use of violence, admitting being wrong, and communicating openly and truthfully.

RESPONSIBLE PARENTING

Non-violent relationships involve sharing parental responsibility and being a positive role model for my children.

SHARED RESPONSIBILITY

Non-violent relationships involve agreeing on a fair distribution of work and making family decisions together.

ECONOMIC PARTNERSHIP

Non-violent relationships involve making money decisions together, making sure both partners benefit from financial arrangements.

NEGOTIATION AND FAIRNESS

Non-violent relationships involve seeking mutually satisfying solutions to conflict, acceptance of change, and being willing to negotiate and compromise.

 

MATURE RELATIONSHIPS

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Cony, M.A.

A mature relationship strives for the following characteristics:

• It allows for the individuality of each partner.

• It seeks to bring out the best in both partners.

• It is open to change and exploration.

• It invites growth in both partners (i.e., there is room for each to grow and a desire for the other to grow).

• It encourages open expression of feelings and thoughts.

• It allows both parties to be responsible for themselves.

• It encourages realistic expectations of each other.

• It promotes good self-esteem in each person.

• It accepts occasional absences as a natural part of life.

• It welcomes spontaneity.

• It welcomes closeness and vulnerability (i.e., both parties are willing to risk and to be real).

• It affirms the equality of each partner.

• It welcomes humor.

• It encourages negotiation and conflict resolution skills.

• It encourages separate interests and outside friends as opposed to “total involvement” and a restricted social life.

The statements above are guidelines; they are not requirements. Mature relationships involve a process of growth. These guidelines are not conditions that must be met before the relationship can be termed “healthy”; rather, they are conditions to strive for.

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