|
Listening Skills for Better Understanding
From “Understanding Domestic
Violence” by Barbara Corry, MA.
In addition to speaking more
directly, listening skills can be helpful in improving communication with a
partner. The following tips can help to promote better listening:
LISTENING HELPS
US TO CREATE CLOSENESS WITH OTHERS
Listening is an important
tool we can use to connect with another person. Our willingness to listen
creates a climate that encourages the other person to share their thoughts
and feelings. Listening says, “I care” and helps us get to know the other
person.
LISTENING SHOWS
CONSIDERATION FOR THE OTHER PERSON
When you listen, you are
telling the other person that you want to hear what they have to say, and
that you want to try to understand what they mean. Listening is a time to
find out what your partner thinks. Therefore, try not to speak. Sharing how
you feel is a different step in the process of communication.
LISTENING MEANS
LISTENING
Listening does not mean
talking. It does not mean doing a crossword puzzle, putting the groceries
away, doing a load of laundry, washing the car, or paying the monthly bills.
Listening does not mean nodding occasionally and saying, “Yes, dear.”
Listening means really listening to your partner and trying to understand
what the other person is saying.
LISTENING
INCLUDES EXPLORING THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOU
There will always be some
areas of differences between individuals. Explore in greater detail those
areas about which you feel differently. Be curious about what things mean to
your partner. Ask questions. Try to understand what your mate thinks and
why. Respect your partner’s right to his/her own opinion.
LISTENING
REQUIRES MAINTAINING CONFIDENTIALITY
Never reveal to others what
your partner has told you in confidence. Also, do not use information your
partner shares against him or her later on. Such actions violate trust,
create a feeling of betrayal, and may make further sharing impossible.
THINK OF
LISTENING AS A GIFT
To have someone put their
thoughts and feelings aside for a time and listen to us is a gift.
Therefore, let your partner know that you appreciate the time that he/she
has taken to listen to you. Also, be as willing to do the same for your
partner when he/she needs to share. Remember that not listening to one
another damages the relationship. Therefore, make listening to one another a
priority - and a gift you give each other.
MAKE AN EFFORT
TO “TUNE IN” TO YOUR PARTNER
Practice empathy: Put
yourself in the other person’s shoes. Ask yourself, “What might my partner
be feeling?” Try to understand things from your partner’s point of view.
LISTEN WHEN
INFORMATION IS COMING FREELY AND CLEARLY
Pay close attention to your
partner. Look at the other person. Avoid distractions. Do not interrupt,
except to ask for clarification.
REPEAT YOUR
PARTNER’S MESSAGE BACK TO HIM OR HER
Re-state your partner’s
message in the form of a question when you want to make sure that you
understand what s/he has said. For example, you can say, “Do you mean
that...?” or “Are you saying that...?” You may also include the emotional
content of your partner’s message, e.g., “You sound very angry,” or “I can
understand how you might have felt hurt,” or “I can see that you were very
worried.”
INVITE MORE
INFORMATION
Use questions or statements
designed to elicit additional information or to make your partner’s message
as clear as possible. Some typical “door openers” are:
• Ok, I’m listening. What
did you want to tell me/talk about?
• Please tell me more about
that.
• How do you feel when this
happens?
• Give me an example.
• Do you have any ideas for
a solution?
• What are you thinking
about doing?
• Is there anything you
want me to do?
∙ Is there anything else you
would like to say about this matter?
• Is there anything else
you want me to understand about this?
• What do you think we can
do to work this out?
STAY WITH YOUR
PARTNER’S POINT OF VIEW UNTIL AN UNDERSTANDING HAS OCCURRED
Stay with your partner’s
thoughts and emotions until an understanding has occurred and been verified.
Give your messages only when this understanding has occurred.
 
| 
