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Some Helpful Responses to Children in Pain
From “Understanding Domestic
Violence” by Barbara Corry, M.A.
ENCOURAGE CHILDREN TO TALK
ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS
Let your child know that it
is okay to cry and that he or she can let the sadness “spill out”. For
example, you might tell the child, “I’m so glad you shared your feelings
about what happened with me.” Praise the child for talking about his/her
feelings, e.g., “What a great job you did telling me how you felt.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR SADNESS
Validate the child’s
feelings and let him/her know you care. For instance, you could say, “I know
you must feel very, very sad inside,” or “It must have been very scary for
you,” or “I know it must be very hard for you right now.” Validate how hard
it is for them to hear parents fight, or to witness abuse. You might say,
for example, “Of course, you are angry and hurt when your daddy hits your
mommy.” Be sure to talk with them about the abuse when you are able to
focus on their needs. Also, keep your language simple.
SET AN EXAMPLE FOR SHARING
DIFFICULT FEELINGS
Don’t be afraid to cry in
front of your child. Not talking about pain keeps the hurt locked inside.
Your tears give your child permission to express pain and fear at the time
it comes up. It also teaches him or her to be true to him/herself and
genuine in his/her feelings. Children learn how to manage pain from seeing
adults who don’t hide or stuff their pain and who are willing to share it
with others. The more children are included in family sadness, the easier it
will be for them to tolerate suffering. If children are excluded from
discussion about an obvious problem, they are made to bear the pain alone.
It is also “crazy-making” when they are given messages that “nothing is
wrong”, when they know there are major problems in the relationship.
READ THEM STORIES ABOUT OTHERS
WHO HAVE EXPERIENCED ABUSE
Stories about other
children who have experienced abuse help children to know what other abused
children feel. A story gives them permission to express what they feel and
helps them to know that their feelings are normal. Stories also let them
know that they are not alone: other people have the same problems and the
same feelings they do.
ENCOURAGE PLAYING
Children can only handle
bits and pieces of pain at a time. They also need to take time out to play.
Even children in deep pain need to laugh and have fun. Hard, simple,
physical play releases pain.
HELP YOUR CHILD EXPRESS
FEELINGS THROUGH STORIES OR ART
Sometimes, children say it
helps to write a story about their sadness. Often when children draw, they
will tell their story in the art they produce. Let the children select the
toys and play experiences they wish. Children instinctively know what they
need to do when they are in pain, and they will choose the safest outlet for
them.
LET YOUR CHILD KNOW THE ABUSE
IS NOT HIS/HER FAULT
Children often feel
responsible for the abuse. They think the abuse occurred because of
something they did or did not do. They may carry this guilt for many years
into adulthood. Let your child know that he or she was not responsible for
the violent actions of the parent. You might suggest that he or she take a
look at a one-year-old or a four-year-old. Let your child notice how small
and helpless the baby is, and how dependent the four-year-old is on adults.
Let your child know that nothing he or she did caused the parent to be
violent, and that there is nothing he or she can do to stop the parent who
rages. Also, tell the child that only the abusive parent can stop the
violence by choosing to get help for him/herself. However, also let the
child know that there are other loving adults who can help them when the
parent becomes abusive.
ADDRESS THE ISSUE OF SHAME
Tell the child that he or
she does not have to pretend that the abuse is not a problem, and that it is
okay to talk about it with caring people. Let the child know that they do
not need to cover up the abuse or make excuses for the parent’s behavior.
This helps the child learn to get his/her needs met by others so that s/he
does not feel so helpless or so alone. It also teaches the child to place
responsibility where it belongs - with the abusive parent. Finally, it
reinforces for the child that s/he can get help from other understanding
grown-ups on how to live with an abusive parent.
GIVE PLENTY OF ENCOURAGEMENT
AND PRAISE
Give affection freely.
Hugging, holding and playing with the child can provide a much needed sense
of security and of being valued. Be free with your praise (learn how, if you
don’t do this now.) For instance, you might say, “You play the piano much
better than I did at your age;” or “I like to watch the way you help
Grandma... You are a kind person;” or “I’m so proud to be your mother. I bet
God knew how much I would enjoy being around you;” or “I’m so impressed with
the way you try so hard;” or “I think you made a good decision;” or “You
just get better all the time.”
 
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