Recovery for the Child of Violence

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Corry, M.A.

Children who have witnessed abuse will benefit from support from you, other family members, and professionals in your community. Those children who are left on their own to struggle with family problems will remain at risk for relationship problems, low self-confidence, eating disorders, chemical dependency, workaholism and many other problems.

Those children who can share the “family secret” with others, who get into support groups, and who develop a healthy sense of  “self” apart from the abusive family will lower their risk of developing personal problems and of repeating the same cycle of violence in their adult life. In order to do this, however, your children will need help. Your children will need you.

DON’T BE AFRAID TO ADMIT YOUR CHILDREN ARE AFFECTED

Denying that your children have been affected by the abuse or assuming that they will simply “take it in stride” is lying to yourself and unfair to them. Just as you have been hurt, so have they. Your denial of this fact deprives them of intervention. As the caring adult in the situation, you are responsible to be aware that your children have been “battered” by witnessing the abuse. You are responsible for getting them help.

DO NOT BLAME YOUR CHILDREN FOR WANTING TO GET HELP OR FOR TRYING TO STOP AN ABUSIVE SITUATION

Do not be offended if your children have turned to someone else for help. Professional help is often needed to stop abuse in life-threatening circumstances.

AVOID USING THE CHILDREN AGAINST YOUR SPOUSE

Using you children against the abusive spouse places them in a vulnerable position. Your children can become targets for the abusive spouse if he believes they have talked negatively about him. Also, avoid pressuring your children to take sides. Children do not want to “take sides”. They need you, their parents, to behave in ways that do not require their siding with one parent or the other.

AFTER THE VIOLENCE, COMFORT YOUR CHILDREN

During abusive episodes, many children hide because of fear or frustration. Abusive episodes are very upsetting. Seek your children out and avoid letting them go to sleep upset. When there is conflict, talk with them at the first opportunity. Offer a hug - it validates their feelings. If nothing else, a hug says “I understand” and they will not feel so alone.

AVOID MAKING YOUR CHILD A CONFIDANT OR SUROGATE SPOUSE

Making a “substitute” spouse out of your child places strain and inappropriate responsibility on him or her. Sharing information with a child that should be shared only with a spouse is “emotional incest”. The spouse whose position your child is attempting to fill becomes resentful. Moreover, if and when the parent whose place the child is taking resumes his or her duties, the child must return to his/her original position in the family. This results in confusion and inconsistency for the child and can lead to serious personal problems for him/her later.

ENCOURAGE YOUR CHILDREN TO BECOME INVOLVED IN OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES

Your children need opportunities to develop relationships outside your home. All children under stress need an “emotional oasis” and outside experiences such as school and community activities can provide this emotional rest.

SEEK OUT SPECIAL PROGRAMS AND RESOURCES FOR YOUR CHILDREN

Specialized programs with a professional counselor can help children understand that the battering between you and your spouse is not their fault. Talk to your child’s teacher, school psychologist, social worker, or physician. They may have some helpful suggestions, which can help your child and provide you with support.

TALK TO YOUR CHILD ABOUT THE ABUSE

You may believe that you are “protecting” your children by not talking about the abuse; however, they need to know that the fights are not their fault. Through honest explanations from you, your child can be taught to understand that violence is wrong and that it can be stopped. By your example, you can help them break through the denial, help them ask for help, and teach them alternatives to replace abusive behavior.

AVOID ASKING YOUR CHILD IF YOU SHOULD LEAVE YOUR SPOUSE

You are the adult. It is your marital relationship, and this is your responsibility - not your child’s. This is also an inappropriate question to put to children because it adds confusion over why you remain together, and it raises the fear of a separation from then on. Finally, this is also likely to add guilt for your children if the abusive parent leaves and they feel responsible for “sending him away”.

ENCOURAGE NON-VIOLENCE

Physical and verbal violence have no place in intimate relationships. Make it clear that no slapping or punching will be tolerated at home. Learn non-violent forms of discipline, and make it clear that such punishments will be meted out to those who use violence.

BECOME INVOLVED IN COMMUNITY RESOURCES

There are support groups available for you and for your children. Enroll your children in these groups and encourage their attendance. There are also family programs in which you can become involved, with or without the abusive parent. With counseling, many children are resilient enough to overcome the effects of domestic violence. Children need not repeat the pattern of abuse. They can live happy, healthy and productive lives, free from abuse and violence; however, they must get the proper help - and the earlier the better.

DO NOT DWELL ON THE PAST, LEARN FROM IT

Do not dwell on the mistakes of the past. You can’t change the past; however, you can plan for a better future. Your children’s past is not as long as their future. Help your children by not making yesterday “eternal”. Getting help now will create a better tomorrow. Not getting help will affect tomorrow negatively. Children often recover faster than adults do. Do not stop their progress by dwelling on the past.

 BREAK YOUR OLD HABITS

Change what you have been doing through positive action. For example, if you do not discuss the abuse, talk about it. If you do not go for help, seek help from others. If you can not see any alternatives, brainstorm with others about your options, etc.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOURSELF

Taking care of yourself physically and emotionally is the best way to help your children. Get help now. Don’t keep putting it off or waiting for “the right time”.  Silence is permission, and putting off getting help only allows the abusive situation to get worse. Your children need you to act now. If you are concerned about protecting your children, get help for them now. Do not deny their needs because you are unsure of yours.

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