ADVICE

by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D.

WILL HE HIT ME?

Dear Harriet I am engaged to a man named Sam who is generous, loving and considerate. However, he has a violent temper; he sometimes throws furniture around, and once he slammed his fist into a wall. This makes me very nervous. Is it possible that he might one day hit me?

Dear Reader:  Sam may hit you some day. Any man who is out of control during the engagement stage of a relationship may become more out of control in the future. Marriage is like a pressure cooker, absorbing tension from every source. Add children, or simply the inevitable stresses of the life cycle, and Sam’s violent temper may well intensify. In a society where every statistic on violence against women has soared in the past two decades, you have good reason to be nervous.

On the other hand, Sam may never hit you. Even the most logical and careful predictions are sometimes wrong. No one can say with absolute certainty if - or when - Sam will hit you.

Have you talked to Sam about your concerns? If not, pick a calm time and question him directly. Has he ever hit anyone? Is there a history of violence in his family? Does Sam think he would ever hurt you in the future? On a scale of one to ten, how likely is that to occur? Open the lines of communication by sharing your concerns and by asking clear and specific questions.

Let Sam know that you are terrified of violence and that you cannot live with it. Or can you? You need to direct some tough questions to yourself not just to Sam. Being “very nervous” about violence, or even detesting it, is a far cry from defining a clear position about it. You cannot predict or control Sam’s behavior not now or ever.  What you can control is your own position regarding his behavior.

What aggressive behaviors can you live with despite your dislike of them? What behaviors are intolerable in a relationship? In other words, what is your bottom-line position about violence? (“I cannot stay in this relationship if these behaviors continue.”)

Keep in mind that there is no right bottom line for all women. One woman might break off an engagement the very first time her fiancé throws furniture or slams his fist into a wall. Or she might end the relationship only if such out-of-control behavior occurs several times. Another woman might wait until she has been struck twice or twelve times before she says, “Enough”.

Some women have no bottom line at all. Although they may complain about the other person’s behavior and issue angry ultimatums at times of high stress (if you hit me one more time, I’m leaving!) their unconscious rule is, Togetherness at any cost.

When a woman is truly convinced that she cannot live without the relationship, she cannot negotiate firmly within it. When a person has no bottom line, violence will escalate.

Where are you on this continuum? What position have you taken so far about Sam throwing furniture or slamming his fist into the wall? Keep in mind that when our words say one thing (“I  can’t live with this!”), and our actions say another (we continue to live with it), actions speak louder.

If you have difficulty being clear with yourself, or being heard by Sam, you should talk openly about your problem to friends and family members. Have other women on your family

tree (including sisters, aunts, and grandmothers) maintained a clear voice and a clear position in their marriages? Has your mother set firm limits and boundaries with other family members? How would each of these women advise you about Sam, and how specifically would each of them react to the violent behaviors you describe? How and in what circumstances, do women exit from relationships in your family? Has anyone stayed in an emotional, or physically abusive marriage?

The more you know about the patterns in your family, the more clearly you will think about your own dilemma. You will gain nothing by inviting others to join you in blaming or diagnosing Sam. Instead, you need to focus on yourself and on family and cultural patterns that relate to your struggle.

This is not to say that you are “to blame” or “the cause” of the problem. You are not. Our culture excuses and even glorifies expressions of violence and aggression in men, while teaching women not to take action on our own behalf. Historically, women have been considered the chattel of men: only relatively recently has spouse abuse been prosecuted.

In intimate relationships, however, change occurs only when we focus on the self and take a new position on our own behalf. You could say, for example, “Sam, the next time you throw something or lose control I will leave immediately because I get scared and upset. I’ll return the next day if you’ve calmed down. But if it happens more than once, I will not come back at all until you have found some way to get a handle on it.”

Obviously, you can set limits with Sam only after you have defined them for yourself. This may take time, take all the time you need before you tie the knot. Clarifying a bottom line is even more difficult for, say, a middle-aged homemaker with three dependent children and no marketable skills, and postponing a wedding date is less emotionally complicated than filing for divorce.

Marriage often puts women in a position of profound emotional and economic vulnerability. Take care to devise your own life plan that will enable you to live a satisfactory life, with or without Sam. This will help you clarify and really mean your position regarding Sam’s violent behaviors.

HELPING A BATTERED WOMAN

Dear Harriet My younger sister Ann is living with a man who abuses her physically and emotionally. She has left him twice, but each time she’s gone back, despite my pleas that she leave him for good. She no longer listens to me because she says I don’t understand her. Should I stay away? What can I do to help her get out of this terrible situation?

Dear Reader: Sometimes our efforts to fix things for other family members only serve to perpetuate the problem itself. The more you act as if you have the answer your sister needs and the more you fail to appreciate that this is her life, the less likely she is to rely on her own competence to solve her problem. But this does not mean that you should stay silent, stay away, or ignore the seriousness of what is happening.

Instead of distancing yourself from Ann, stay in close contact with her and tell her how you feel. You could say, for example, “Ann, when you tell me how intense things get between you and Joe, I feel terrified. It’s unbearable to think of you in an unsafe situation, and I’m frightened that one day Joe will really hurt you. I know that this is your life and not mine, but I love you and I’m scared for you.”

If your sister has been physically hurt or is in danger of being harmed, I suggest that you let other family members and Ann’s friends know of this risk to her safety. ( “she called me tonight and told me that Joe had broken her wrist last Tuesday. I’m feeling scared, so I’m letting people know because I just can’t keep this all to myself.”)

While experts will not all agree on this point, I believe that sharing the facts is important even if your sister has sworn you to secrecy. First, even as her sister, you cannot help Ann all by yourself; the relationship is simply not that pivotal. Second, your own level of anxiety will be unbearable if you try to contain such a secret. Finally, Ann will most likely get caught in a downward spiral of abuse if she is cut off from family and friends who do not have the facts. In certain instances, there may be some risk in laying the facts on the table; I believe, however, that there is no greater risk than becoming a partner in secrecy with a family member who is in danger.

You can stop pleading with Ann (which hasn’t helped) yet still communicate your feelings about violence. You might share your belief that there is nothing a woman can do that justifies her being hit and that you don’t think anyone should stay in an unsafe relationship. At the same time, you can empathize with Ann about how important Joe is to her and of her fear of being without him. It may be far more frightening for Ann to leave Joe than to stay with him.

At a calm time, you can talk with Ann about the options she has when Joe becomes abusive. Does she know in concrete terms what you and others are willing to do to support her? Has she thought about where she would go if she had to get out of the house in the middle of the night? Does she have the telephone number of a battered-woman’s shelter? (The toll-free number of the National Domestic Violence Hotline is (800) 799-SAFE.) Is she aware that she can seek safety in the shelter without filing an official complaint against Joe?

Some women who need shelter are not ready to report violence, even if we feel they should. And many abused women seek shelter at least three times before it sticks that they need to exit permanently.

You can also establish a clear position about violence without returning to your earlier I-know-what’s-best-for-you stance. For example, if you ever witness violence between Joe and your sister, or if she phones you while it is happening, you can contact the police. Then you should explain your decision to Ann: “Ann, you may be right that Joe gets angrier when the police come. I’m not saying that I know how to be helpful. But if I did nothing while you were being hurt, I’d feel like I was helping to hurt you myself. I can’t just do nothing when I’m so frightened.”

What facts do you have about Ann’s situation? What if your sister is not in imminent danger and there is a long history of over-focusing on Ann’s problems and under-focusing on those of other family on those of other family members? If this is the case, you might share your aversion to violence and then lighten up in your relationship with her a bit. You might acknowledge, for example, that big sisters must struggle to admit that they don’t always know what’s best for their little sisters, but that you’re working on doing just that. You might explain that by focusing so much on her problems, you’ve been able to hide from your own.

When was the last time you shared your problems with Ann and asked for reactions? Do you ever call Ann when you are having a bad day and need a sisterly shoulder to lean on? Taking such steps may not help Ann leave Joe, but it can help you restore balance in your relationship with her. In fact, no matter how badly Ann is doing, it will not help her if you focus only on her problems at the expense of sharing your own. And you’ll feel better once you assume a responsible position in the relationship rather than trying to be responsible for her.

Finally, it is important to appreciate that Ann’s dilemma reflects something much larger than her private, individual struggle.  Violence against women permeates our culture in countless forms.  We all live in fear of male violence coming from the dark alley as well as the Pentagon. If the entire human family is not working actively toward solutions, we are all part of Ann’s problem.

From “Understanding Domestic Violence” by Barbara Corry, M.A.

You may be wondering how you can tell if your mate is getting better. While it is indeed possible for men to change, it will not happen quickly or easily. It requires a strong commitment to change on his part; and, asking for help is the first step. However, the fact that he has sought help is not an indication that change has occurred. One of the problems we have seen is the “ray of hope” syndrome. This is the belief that if he has sought help, “everything will be all right.” Please remember that YOU are the best judge of whether his behavior is an effort to abuse or control you. The following questions can, however, help you to evaluate your safety:

1. Has he stopped being physically violent?

2. Are there still implied threats in his words, gestures, or movements which cause you fear? Are you still afraid when you are together?

3. Does he encourage you to have things that are important to you in your life?

4. Is he less critical, less manipulative, and less controlling (Gondolf, 1989; 56)?

5. Can you disagree with him without fear? Can you act independently of him without fear and without any hassles?

6. Does he permit you to get help and support for your safety and well being?

7. Does he express anger without being physically or verbally abusive?

8. Does he regularly attend any program to assist him with change, such as a batterer’s program, counseling, or Alcoholics Anonymous (Gondolf, 1989; 55)?

9. Has he acknowledged his previous acts of violence and pattern of control? Does he think he is “cured’, or does he acknowledge his potential for future violence?

10. Does he more openly admit his wrongs and his limitations (Gondolf, 1989; 56)?

11. Is he openly concerned about your safety and the safety of his children? Does he take concrete steps to assure your safety (Gondolf, 1989; 55)?

12. Can he empathize with you? Can he empathize with your pain and your joy?

13. Has he betrayed your trust? Does he betray your confidences? Does he use your vulnerabilities against you?

14. Is he associating with new friends who do not support violence against women (Gondolf, 1989; 56)?

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